I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
