YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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