I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
