Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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