Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
How does one acquire holy water?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
