can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
That's when you crack a 10am beer
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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