he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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