You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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