good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
