God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
