hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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