my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
