I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
