I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
