I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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