I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
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Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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