I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
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It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
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He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?