I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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