My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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