and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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