I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
