i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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