It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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