nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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