and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
