I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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