Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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