Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
