I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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