I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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