ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
