am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
