Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
