come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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