Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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