he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
