what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
