it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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