I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
