3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
