Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
