I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
