i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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