so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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