im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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