the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
