i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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