Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
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I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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