my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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