just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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