My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
