walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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