just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
