Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
