we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
