Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
