Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
now i know why i became what i already was.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
