Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
