If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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