somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
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WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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