Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
